What impact does family wealth and affluence have on kids? “Usually, the more that money is handed out, the more the fire in the belly goes down,” says Bay Area financial adviser Joan DiFuria.

How do you raise self-sufficient and confident adults from children who are accustomed to all the comforts of well-upholstered homes and top-rated schools? What will motivate them to strive and achieve?

With more or fewer zeros to their credit, all families face similar challenges. “The culture speaks with a boom. The sound of parents is much softer,” says Joline Godfrey, a consultant who provides financial education to kids. As parents, one way or another, we model the behavior that kids pick up on.

Beyond what you know (and perhaps let slide)—like saying no even when it will spark an argument—here are suggestions from advisers and parents about instilling a sense of identity, productivity and compassion in kids:

• Start bringing kids to meetings with financial advisers and pros, say, from age twelve or so.  That way, they can become knowledgeable early on, learning about financial issues and seeing what it takes to assemble a good team.

• Follow Warren Buffet’s example: Let your kids know they won’t inherit much money.  Says one mother who inherited family money: “Kids have a better chance of creating their own lives and acting on their own vision and values without the burden of wealth.”

• Set up financial vehicles that hold the money in trust in some way, so kids don’t have unlimited access but are still supported. A 529 educational savings program, for instance, can shelter money for qualified educational expenses. Have a chat with a seasoned adviser to review options.

• Get kids involved in philanthropy at young ages. Form a family foundation or establish a donor advised fund and make sure your teen is in the room when it’s time to make decisions.

• Work with advisers who understand and talk about the emotional issues of money, not just the investment side of things.

• Collaborate with kids to draft a family compact or mission statement. Such meetings typically cover the source of the family’s money, how family members view their responsibilities, potential giving plans and purposes or goals that can unite the family. “I am such a believer that if you don’t manage the emotional and family aspects, the money doesn’t matter,” says Susan Remmer Ryzewic, who manages the finances and investments of her family’s foundation and business.

• Set up coaching sessions. “It’s a good idea to start early and find someone who can speak the young adult’s language,” says financial adviser Darcy Bhatia.